it's ten at night, but it feels like four in the morning.
my head in in my heart, and my heart is in my head and all i can hear is screaming.
it's screaming harsh words into my blood and bones, telling me that
or
or
i once read that
"living with depression
is like watching people around you
breathing but instead
your blue lips inhale
words of self-hatred
and you know you should
be able to fill your
lungs
with fresh oxygen
like everyone else
but you can't.
and the worst part is
people mistake your chest
frantically rising up and down
as breathing
when you're really
suffocating."
december 28th, 2014, i swallowed 62 pills
i took them one by one, hoping that with every one i took,
one more problem would go away.
i woke up the next morning disappointed
that i couldn't even kill myself successfully.
THAT IS WHY I AM SCARED.
I WAS DISAPPOINTED I COULDN'T KILL MYSELF.
when you are your greatest fear,
you can't run away,
you can't face yourself.
you have to learn to live with constant fear.
fear that you are a failure.
fear that you are nothing and will become nothing.
fear that you will hurt everyone close to you.
I'm sorry. Beautiful writing.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel sorry for me. We all have fears. I am my own, and that is why. My life isn't a sob story (although I've been put through hell more than a handful of times.) Thank you for reading it and for your kind words.
DeleteThis was raw and real. I want to hug you right now this filled me with so much emotion.
ReplyDeleteThis was powerful. And I want to know who you are so I can give you a big hug and tell you my story too. I applaud your courage. You are so loved, you know? :)
ReplyDeleteWow. This post is so sad and real.
ReplyDeleteyou are so real and i applaud you so fiercely. keep on keeping on
ReplyDelete"and the worst part is
ReplyDeletepeople mistake your chest
frantically rising up and down
as breathing
when you're really
suffocating."
so real. so good. made me feel something. keep it up, you're amazing.