Journal Entry No.1

I found this journal entry. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. 

"I 've always wanted to start writing more.  They have all told me I have a knack for it.  I really don't think I'm above average- anyways, I've been thinking A LOT lately.  Not about anything specific, just everything in general.  I've been thinking about culinary school the most.  Mom told me I can't move to Seattle because of my seasonal depression.  I was crushed.  Seattle is my absolute favorite place in the world, but it's cloudy most of the time, which means I can't soak up that Vitamin D I so desperately crave.  I'm going to have to come up with another plan.  I guess everyone has to resort to a "Plan B" at one point in their life or another.

I've also thought about Hunter Dahl a lot. I mean we weren't close or anything in recent years.  I'm sure he forgot my name, but I sure didn't forget his.  It's been over a month since he committed suicide but I'm still really struggling with the idea of him being buried in the cold ground.  That sounded terribly morbid, but I feel as if he isn't really gone.  It's like he is on a extended vacation- which I guess he is in some sorts.  But the fact that not one person expected something like that to come from him sends chills down my spine.  We've been told numerous times that we don't know exactly what a person is going through and it's so true. 

I told my friend a couple of weeks ago that I've had suicidal thoughts for years; since I was 12 and in the 7th grade.  I think they came along with puberty, or maybe with the fact that I live in the most judgmental community in Utah.  Probably both.  I feel so out of place here.  I have a testimony of the church, though it's not a very strong one at the moment and I'm pretty sure my peers look down on me because of it.  They can't see that I'm trying.  I've struggled, but I am trying. Anyways, he was really surprised at what I was telling him.  He said that I'm always so happy and that I'm trying to help others.  Maybe that's my problem- I'm too caught up in other people's problems that I'm not trying to get better myself.  I've always been that way.  Other's happiness as always been more important than my own.  It's not a bad quality to have by any means, but perhaps I need to tone it down for a while, at least until I improve.

I'm pretty down at the moment, so hopefully tomorrow will cheer me up... Heaven knows I need it."

Reading this makes me realize how much I've changed.

Hopefully it was for the better.